About a month ago, MaKayla and I (Lydia) were co-conscious when a trigger, borderline re-traumatizing, event occurred. From that circumstance came a new alter named Jewel, and she is now helping with managing our day to day responsibilities.
Our “going on with life part” could no longer go on with life.
In our experience with dissociative identity disorder, it’s often that different parts will be assigned different responsibilities. For us, MaKayla , had been going on with life in some capacity since she was created. Over the years, other parts were assigned things like school and friendships and sex – as MaKayla sank further into depression.
Her “part” of going on with life seemed to be handling the emotional abuse. She took on that role and buried it all deep inside. Our recovery process has brought all of that to light and enabled MaKayla to recognized all that she endured for what it is – abuse. As we cut ties with abusers and changed our people, places and things – the changes themselves took a toll on MaKayla and her depression got worse.
She was at her lowest and we were trying to raise her up – when she was re-traumatized.
During that re-traumatizing – our dissociative identity disorder created a new “going on with life” part that could handle all the parts of life that were inhibiting our recovery. The good news is that means the SYSTEM IS READY TO RECOVER!
Parts of our self were/are still struggling with some of their own issues as well as issues within the system. MaKayla’s depression had kept us unable to care fully for the body and my own eating disorders kept us malnourished and dehydrated. The body wasn’t moving or being cared for, the emotions were not being felt, and recovery – while still progressing – became agonizingly slow.
Jewel, a new alter, came with ability to take care of everything the system needed at the time of her creation.
Proving how miraculous the brain is at surviving, in a time of total despair with all parts triggered, it created a personality state that could take on everything we were enduring and with stride. Jewel felt connected with the body and already ate the foods Lydia has previously worked to deem “safe.” She also knew how to write so she could handle the workload of the business. Demonstrating she could hold boundaries, she stood up to me and my overexercising and undereating habits immediately. She was also able to handle the constantly triggering situation we were without exacerbating it like the hypervigilant fight part (Lydia) did.
After Jordan briefed her on being part of the system and her role – she jumped right in. Reading all of the instructions Emmie left in the description of the tasks on our to do list, Jewel was able to handle our morning routine, preparing 3 meals, a couple of chores, running the business and still got into bed with our face watched on time to read.
But Jewel’s appearance wasn’t all positive for MaKayla and the system.
MaKayla was driven by pleasing people and checking off tasks. Her worth was tied to her work in such a way that she only accomplished tasks that paid her money – continuing to write an email instead of going to pee until the discomfort was so bad we had to switch out to use the bathroom. She endured the abuse and saw that as a strength, not enduring it would make her weak and worthless. Without fronting, she had none of these things to hold onto and she also lacked the ability to create positive experiences for herself to pull her out of the cycle of depression.
Jewel exercised and ate intuitively and responsibly, She could drive a car and had no issues with being in the body. She seemed to have it altogether, including being proud of the body. That sent me (Lydia) into a spiral and I felt so insignificant and not needed. My BPD brain freaked out and fought tooth and nail to keep the front (and the ability to restrict or overexercise). Even though I was still needed for anger, relationships and sex (because Jewel isn’t good at those) I felt like I had no place in the system.
I’m sure that is how MaKayla felt too – except she didn’t act out. She never does. Instead she blocked everyone but Emmie and paced in front of Jordan and the blackspace.
It wasn’t until later that we discovered just how much impact the loss of Makayla’s presence would have on me (Lydia).