But I didn’t make it to the meeting until a little later because I was stopped dead in my tracks by a new little. I was both startled and enamored. We chatted for a bit, she told me that the others needed me to try and understand that what is best for the system is for me to work on my need to be in the front watching all of the time.
She also told me that her name was Katy-did and she was 7.
When she said that, her antennae and her wings began to make a bit more sense. She was almost glowing in the shadows of the forest canopy. She spoke so softly and so directly I wasn’t sure how to respond. She didn’t seem to need my help but instead to be there to help me. She fluttered away and I moved on to the meeting.
2 days before this I had made an attempt to stay away from the front and let the others handle a portion of the day without my passive oversight. I have never been so scared in my life – and that kind of fear is not something I am used to coping with.
Typically, I fight like hell against feeling that kind of fear and pretend it’s not even real. This time I honored it and then I challenged it. I had no idea what to do with myself, no idea how to cope. But – that made me feel some type of way.
Fearful that someone would let abuse slide and not keep our boundaries consistent, I was shaking and crying telling our partner I’d be back later.
I did let the reins go – but it has me angry and seeking vengeance today.
Entering the headspace this morning was a little more difficult than normal and just like yesterday, standing in my path was Katy-did. Today, she told me that I was not in a state to meet the others with compassion. She stood there with me, Izzy watching from the treeline of the meeting space, and began to comfort me. I cried again – knowing that she was right and my hyper-vigilance doesn’t need to be protected. I know I need to let go and I know that the others can handle it.
She reassured me and validated all of my concerns. Once I was more calm and back into wise mind – she fluttered away and I joined the meeting as Emmie was discussing the plan for the day. I told the others what had happened and they were so supportive.
Gage admitted to enlisting the help of Katy-did because he knew she would get through to me. I fought back the anger and accepted his intentions as helpful. I have not yet accepted the help or that I need it.
Each one of the alters that will be going on with daily life agreed to ask me for help at the first sign of any abuse and that really helped me feel better with letting go. But I’m still so scared to lose significance.
Sadly, I just want time in the body to be mine. I want to be able to do as I please and control it all – but that is not what is best for us. I’m fully admitting it now – – –
but acceptance may take some time.
Since I’ve been virtually manic over these things for days, Gage has been co-con with me. I know it’s to keep me from doing anything stupid and to also make sure I hold up my ends of the deal. I have a habit of manipulating by agreeing to plans to get my way.